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One of the most challenging parts of being an adult is taking care of the people who used to take care of us. It’s made exponentially more difficult when that adult happens to be a parent. We love them dearly, but negotiating the new parent-child dynamic doesn't always feel good. Welcome to the delicate balancing act of parenting your parents.
If there is one thing Covid-19 taught us, it’s how vulnerable our parents can be. I suspect all of us have had to have stern conversations with older relatives since its onset. When explaining the severity of the problem (“No, dad, it’s not the flu.”), or talking them off a metaphorical ledge (“Yes, mother, you can go to the park. Just wear a mask.”), we’ve become the voice of reason trying to make sense of an influx of information that’s literally a matter of life and death, all while juggling our own chaotic lives.
Research shows that caregiving for parents is a deep financial burden in its own right, one that falls disproportionately on people of color whose families are less likely to have resources for paid help.1
This time can be extremely stressful. And, as with most things, the burden tends to affect caregivers of lower income individuals more severely. In addition to the emotional support, financial assistance is generally needed and after years of not being able to afford proper healthcare, lower-income parents can start off in a health deficit. It can be overwhelming. Allow yourself some grace. It’s not easy, but preparation and planning can make it easier.
For children of immigrants or anyone raised in a more traditional family, starting the conversations can be even more difficult. You might have acted as their translator since sixth grade, but let’s be honest, you were never the authority figure. But, now, it’s different.
From finances to health concerns, mobility and general well-being, there are uncomfortable conversations that you’ll have to initiate. Here are a few suggestions to make it a little easier.
1. Understand your audience. You know your parents. My jovial Jamaican father will never be open to a serious sit-down conversation about anything related to death. I once asked him about funeral plans. His response: “I don’t care. I’ll be dead.” He has always been funny.
His tendency to skirt the subject with humor meant I had to be a strategic. For serious conversations, I try to catch him while he’s doing something he likes like gardening, or by organizing a movie night around a relevant theme. My mother is the opposite and comes to any discussion with pen and paper ready to take notes and assign follow-up tasks. For each parent or family member, find a way to tackle difficult subjects in a way that resonates with their personality.
2. Be understanding of culture clash. Know your culture. Pew Research Center found large disparities in how different cultures approach the act of parenting their parents.2 It’s important to be aware of these differences, particularly as they may be more pronounced across generations.
I’m the youngest of four and a woman. As much as I hate to acknowledge it, when it comes to finances, my parents will never take me as seriously as they do my older brother. It’s just part of how they see the world. To get around this, I try to play into their preferred gender dynamics, entering the chat when it’s about more ostensibly “female” subjects like hiring potential caregivers. Sigh. I could attempt to address septuagenarian sexism, but it will only lead to frustration on both of our parts. When trying to put their interests first, it’s important to put ego aside and call on siblings, aunts, uncles, old friends, pastors, imams and the people you know they will listen to.
Consider the following script: “When we tried to talk about cutting back on driving, it got a little sticky. I mentioned it to Reverend Jacobs and he had some thoughts. Would you be willing to talk to him after service this week?”
3. Lead from behind. Sometimes less is more, and a simple “How can I help?” is the best way to instigate a conversation, even if you have something specific on your mind. If at all possible, let them tell you what they need, even if you don’t see it as a priority. If you start by granting one of their wishes, it will make it easier to get your concerns addressed.
If they draw a blank, be open to starting small. Drop off dinner a few days a week. Tidy the yard. Fix something broken. Clear out the garage. Small acts of kindness are not just for strangers. Let them know it’s about love, not control.
4. Accept your limitations. You may want to try to handle everything, but at the end of the day, it’s crucial to know when it is time to get third-party professionals involved. Do your parents own a home? Are there legal issues? Are they increasingly unable to make decisions for themselves? Should they be declared mentally incompetent? Should they move in with you or go to a nursing home?
Professionals like an accountant, lawyer, nurse or psychologist might be necessary. Don’t wait to have all the answers before planning for the worst-case scenario. Compile a list of professionals before you initiate a discussion (your company's benefits program may have resources available to you). Talk to friends and coworkers about the challenges and the solutions they found. This preparation will act as a personal mental safety net. You’re about to embark on a journey through emotionally demanding terrain. You will stumble and fall, but keep going. Be patient with your parents and yourself. And let this be the nudge you need to start planning for your own golden years.
1 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24618967/
2https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/05/21/4-caring-for-aging-parents/
< Back to Sample Content
One of the most challenging parts of being an adult is taking care of the people who used to take care of us. It’s made exponentially more difficult when that adult happens to be a parent. We love them dearly, but negotiating the new parent-child dynamic doesn't always feel good. Welcome to the delicate balancing act of parenting your parents.
If there is one thing Covid-19 taught us, it’s how vulnerable our parents can be. I suspect all of us have had to have stern conversations with older relatives since its onset. When explaining the severity of the problem (“No, dad, it’s not the flu.”), or talking them off a metaphorical ledge (“Yes, mother, you can go to the park. Just wear a mask.”), we’ve become the voice of reason trying to make sense of an influx of information that’s literally a matter of life and death, all while juggling our own chaotic lives.
Research shows that caregiving for parents is a deep financial burden in its own right, one that falls disproportionately on people of color whose families are less likely to have resources for paid help.1
This time can be extremely stressful. And, as with most things, the burden tends to affect caregivers of lower income individuals more severely. In addition to the emotional support, financial assistance is generally needed and after years of not being able to afford proper healthcare, lower-income parents can start off in a health deficit. It can be overwhelming. Allow yourself some grace. It’s not easy, but preparation and planning can make it easier.
For children of immigrants or anyone raised in a more traditional family, starting the conversations can be even more difficult. You might have acted as their translator since sixth grade, but let’s be honest, you were never the authority figure. But, now, it’s different.
From finances to health concerns, mobility and general well-being, there are uncomfortable conversations that you’ll have to initiate. Here are a few suggestions to make it a little easier.
1. Understand your audience. You know your parents. My jovial Jamaican father will never be open to a serious sit-down conversation about anything related to death. I once asked him about funeral plans. His response: “I don’t care. I’ll be dead.” He has always been funny.
His tendency to skirt the subject with humor meant I had to be a strategic. For serious conversations, I try to catch him while he’s doing something he likes like gardening, or by organizing a movie night around a relevant theme. My mother is the opposite and comes to any discussion with pen and paper ready to take notes and assign follow-up tasks. For each parent or family member, find a way to tackle difficult subjects in a way that resonates with their personality.
2. Be understanding of culture clash. Know your culture. Pew Research Center found large disparities in how different cultures approach the act of parenting their parents.2 It’s important to be aware of these differences, particularly as they may be more pronounced across generations.
I’m the youngest of four and a woman. As much as I hate to acknowledge it, when it comes to finances, my parents will never take me as seriously as they do my older brother. It’s just part of how they see the world. To get around this, I try to play into their preferred gender dynamics, entering the chat when it’s about more ostensibly “female” subjects like hiring potential caregivers. Sigh. I could attempt to address septuagenarian sexism, but it will only lead to frustration on both of our parts. When trying to put their interests first, it’s important to put ego aside and call on siblings, aunts, uncles, old friends, pastors, imams and the people you know they will listen to.
Consider the following script: “When we tried to talk about cutting back on driving, it got a little sticky. I mentioned it to Reverend Jacobs and he had some thoughts. Would you be willing to talk to him after service this week?”
3. Lead from behind. Sometimes less is more, and a simple “How can I help?” is the best way to instigate a conversation, even if you have something specific on your mind. If at all possible, let them tell you what they need, even if you don’t see it as a priority. If you start by granting one of their wishes, it will make it easier to get your concerns addressed.
If they draw a blank, be open to starting small. Drop off dinner a few days a week. Tidy the yard. Fix something broken. Clear out the garage. Small acts of kindness are not just for strangers. Let them know it’s about love, not control.
4. Accept your limitations. You may want to try to handle everything, but at the end of the day, it’s crucial to know when it is time to get third-party professionals involved. Do your parents own a home? Are there legal issues? Are they increasingly unable to make decisions for themselves? Should they be declared mentally incompetent? Should they move in with you or go to a nursing home?
Professionals like an accountant, lawyer, nurse or psychologist might be necessary. Don’t wait to have all the answers before planning for the worst-case scenario. Compile a list of professionals before you initiate a discussion (your company's benefits program may have resources available to you). Talk to friends and coworkers about the challenges and the solutions they found. This preparation will act as a personal mental safety net. You’re about to embark on a journey through emotionally demanding terrain. You will stumble and fall, but keep going. Be patient with your parents and yourself. And let this be the nudge you need to start planning for your own golden years.
1 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24618967/
2https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/05/21/4-caring-for-aging-parents/
"If we’re not helping all employees of color earn more, invest more and develop genuine autonomy, we’re not uplifting disenfranchised communities. The financial health of marginalized workers is critical to achieving equity and creating a productive and engaged workforce."
Yemi Rose
Founder of OfColor
